Thank You..

I don’t think I have ever said thank you for being the best “fans” (i hate that word y’all are family to me) a person could ask for, I have gotten constant support from all places my blog is published (Facebook, Instagram, here.) When I started this blog it was more so a coping place for me, I would vent about my daily issues and then post it and not think about them again. Now this is my life, I have so much joy doing these posts and stories for you guys I truly enjoy every comment and like it shows me that I AM NOT ALONE, like I have been telling you guys for months. Don’t get me wrong I have wanted to quit I have been discouraged but every time I feel like that someone comments “these posts help me so much” and I just get more motivation to keep going with them!

My Instagram is flourishing, my blog is as well and I thank every single one of you for being the reason I kept making these posts!!

With that being said keep being you! Also there a big things coming for this blog! Keep a look out for those!!!

Email; beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

Instagram; @beautyibeholder

Twitter (bet you didnt see that coming!); @beautyibehold1

Our Stories Series: Part Two

I like to create these as a way to show people that YOU’RE NOT ALONE. As a way to demonstrate that even on your worst days YOU’RE NOT ALONE, and all of the people who submitted their stories can agree with me that once again YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

As you read these please keep open arms and open hearts there will be no negative feed back or the negativity will be deleted. Everyone is anonymous unless requested otherwise, Thank You.

TRIGGER WARNING DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED! this post just might not be for you and that is okay!!!!

Anonymous #1;

“I am 22 years old and I suffer from depression, anxiety and anorexia. I went through hell for years of my life, battling about a thousand negative voices in my head every single day. I wanted that to be worth something that all that suffering have a purpose beyond causing me pain. I wanted to make something positive. So I help people online who have no one to talk to, who struggle with mental illness, who need advice, support, and resources. One of the things I come across more often than anything else is people trying one medication and when it doesn’t work, giving up. For me, I tried 4 different medications before I found the one that turned my life around. It is SO important for everyone to know that there’s a huge difference between each type of antidepressant. If I had given up then, and abandoned my pursuit on the correct medication, i don’t think i would be alive today. And so that’s why advocacy is so so SO important. People need to know that depression isn’t incurable, and that there a medication out there for everyone, as long as they dont give up. Because the key is once you get your depression under control, you can start to work on the other illness like eating disorders and anxiety. Doing that work on yourself in the depths of depression? Forget about it. Don’t give up hope, keep pursuing your recovery so matter how hopeless it all seems, and stay STRONG.”

Anonymous #2

“I’ve suffered from anxiety, OCD, depression & PTSD since the age of 6. I am now 19 about to be 20 and a Junior in College. I’m proud to say I have been self harm free since freshman year of high school, I’ve been in counseling for the past 2 school years straight, and officially started depression meds as of last month.”

Anonymous #3;

“At the age of 15 I didn’t think I’d meet the person who’d give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I did. I’m 18 now and still struggle. I thought I’d be able to date again years later but dating me is a struggle of its own, I know he’s not like my abuser and I know he won’t hurt me but I have a mental health issue that won’t let me get past it. Sometimes in public I’ll think I see him and my stomach turns until I realize it’s not him and I have to calm myself down. Being abused and staying was the one moment in my life im truly disappointed in myself. I wish I could say that being scared he would come after me and finish me once and for all if I broke up with him, was the reason I stayed. But I stayed for that and because I hoped I could fix him. I thought maybe if I loved him enough he would stop cheating on me. He stop calling me “cunt” and anything else he could think of. I thought maybe if I just proved to him my love for him he wouldn’t back me into corners and leave bruises. I wouldn’t have lie to my mom and tell her they were hickies so she was only mad for that and not that i wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. And maybe just maybe he’d accept the fact that at 15/16 I wasn’t ready for sex and rape isn’t the solution. But you can’t love the anger out of someone. You can’t put your life in danger to save someone else’s. I still wake up at 3 am ready for his nightly suicide calls to tell me it was all my fault and he’s really gonna do it this time. Except I don’t get calls anymore i just lie away for an hour. I wish I’d known that it was rape. Even though I screamed and yelled I thought maybe it’s ok bc he’s my boyfriend and I owe it to him. “If you would let me I wouldn’t have to cheat on you” “you owe it to me to do this” . I wish I had left when the first red flag hit. But he was so good at making roses that ignored the thorns. Until the roses were dead and it was just the thorns. I still remember the room Child Protective Services put me in. I’d seen all the things other children drew while in there and prayed to god they weren’t here for a bad reason. But we both know those rooms with recording devices and a woman asking you questions is never for a good reason. I see the room in my dreams. I wish I’d never had to go there. I wish the police would’ve done more. I wish I would’ve won in court. But how to do you prove months later that you were raped and abused? In a courtroom full of people who probably think you were asking for it anyway. These thoughts cloud my mind. If you’re reading this and think you’re alone in this world like I did for a long time, I promise you’re not. Please tell someone. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m living proof. The day I told someone my life turned around.”

Anonymous #4;

“To give a little background, I come from a very broken home. My mother had me when she was in high school, and my father was a little older than her and was not at all thrilled when I came into the world. My father took this anger out on my mother, pushing and hitting her, and I have a very vivid memory of him once holding a gun to her head for being at the grocery store too long. Because “who the fuck puts on makeup to go get food”. He abused her until I was old enough to not break at his touch. His abuse to me was gradual and at that point my mother had left him so I went back and forth between my parents weekly. I was 6, I believe, when I finally told my mom that he and his new girlfriend were hurting me, as well as allowing the children they had together to hurt me without consequences. My mother never let me go back to his house, and my father never even asked about me after that. I saw a therapist for over a year after that, though at that age I had no idea how the trauma of that would affect any and all relationships in my future. Jumping forward a few years, at 13 I met the first boy who(let’s call him X) ever made me feel anything. My first crush, if you will. But he was a bit older and at 13 I wasn’t even interested in kissing him. I went to his house one day(his neighbor was a friend of mine so I told my mom I was going there instead of his house) and he had some friends over, they were drinking (they were also 17/18) and some were smoking, among other things. X convinced me to drink for the first time, but it only took one drink for me to become completely disoriented. I got dizzy about 20 minutes after drinking and then could barely move. He took me into his bedroom, locked the door and he raped me. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t push him away. I was just a limp body for him to do whatever the fuck he wanted. When he was finished with me he just left the room and I laid there for what felt like forever, at some point I fell asleep. When I woke up I was able to move and went to my friends house next door and her mom took me home. I think he slipped something I to my drink, though I can’t be certain. I felt disgusting and didn’t tell my parents about it until almost a year later. No charges were filed, because there was no evidence and his friends said nothing happened. I’m now 21 years old. I have severe PTSD, im diagnosed bipolar, am medicated for anxiety and depression and I see a therapist regularly. It’s hard for me to form connections with men now. My longest steady relationship was 2 years and just ended because I wasn’t emotionally invested and was constantly afraid/paranoid even though he was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I still do normal things like going out, and I go on dates sometimes. My trauma shaped who I am but does not control me. Everyday is a battle but slowly I am winning.”

Anonymous #5;

“I’m Alyssa and I have depression, anxiety, agoraphobia(fear of leaving the house), and who knows what else. I’ve always had anxiety and a little depression. I was always so confused seeing people have such bad depression, I didn’t think that it could get that bad. You can never begin to understand until you feel it or spend everyday with someone who has it. Both of my parents had depression and anxiety so thanks for that mom and dad😂💕 Not gonna sugar coat it my dad was an addict my whole life. But he still was the greatest guy. I was a daddy’s girl even though I didn’t see him everyday. But I would get mad sometimes because I didn’t understand addiction, and that’s most people’s reaction. But with all of my issues now I understand that so much more. I am not an addict but it is so damn hard to control your brain. So I do get it now. Well anyways my dad passed away, and I didn’t grieve, because I can’t. I don’t understand it, so I block it out. Because I think what’s the point when I’m just gonna be sad every time I think about it. So I don’t. I was with him when he died. And I think this contributed to my problems even if I didn’t know it. So moving on years later I got my first job. I loved it, it made me more outgoing and have less anxiety. Well for reasons I was only able to work one day a week. And that made my anxiety worse. I cried and panicked before work every time, until I stopped going just so I could get fired. And at the time I was taking a take as needed anxiety medicine that helped me. But then I switched doctors and she cold turkey stopped it. Even though I didn’t take it that much it was kind of a safety net for me and that was gone. After that my anxiety was worse and slowly and slowly I started to not leave the house. That is the biggest mistake of my life. And I tell Kylee not to do that all the time. Because it is 2 years later and I can’t leave the house. Every time I got in the car I freaked out. At first I was scared of getting car sick. And then it turned to there being no reason at all. 2 years of barely leaving the house. Being depressed to where I can’t move. Anxiety attacks multiple times a day. Having constant weird feelings. Having trouble doing things that other people do without even thinking. My story is long I can’t even tell you the half of it. But I’ll try my best. Bare with me. I got put on depression meds. That don’t help me but I’ve been on the for a while and don’t want to go though withdraws. And I can’t get to the doctor to talk about it. There has been maybe 4 days these past 2 years. Where the cloud was lifted and I felt so good and I felt like me. Only 4 days. But that was the only thing that gives me hope because i can’t wait to feel that again. I can’t remember what it felt like to be me before this. So yeah I have agoraphobia, I don’t leave the house. My brain basically tells me I can’t. Like there is no reason why I can’t. But I just can’t. Right now I am going to close places and getting out of the house. So I’m trying, but I can feel it getting bad again… oh and awhile ago I could barely swallow because there was this incident where I was drinking and my throat stopped working( who does this🤦🏻‍♀️)and the soda was in my throat but I couldn’t swallow. So I choked, and btw this happened out of nowhere. This scared me and messed my anxiety up. So I could barely swallow after that. Which means I could barely eat. I lost 25 pounds. And it hasn’t come back. Every single day is hard. It is hard to do everything. My anxiety is very different than most peoples. It is so weird and so bad. And agoraphobia is absolutely awful. So please please if you have anxiety/depression don’t do what I did. Because it will get 100x worse. Push through it because trust me agoraphobia is absolutely hell to push through. It’s almost impossible. But I’m trying, and I will continue to try. Just like everyone should. Because I think that even if it takes years and years, it’ll have been worth all the pain on the other side. I believe I will have a great life one day, and agoraphobia will not control me anymore. I know it will always be harder for us to just live than anyone else. Because nothing will ever go completely away. But look at us now, once we get though this. Everything else will be a breeze.”

 

As a closure, I’d just like to add that these ladies and gents that shared their stories are very brave, and have gone through a lot in life to get where they’re at today! You are all amazing and thank you for doing this! I hope you take away from this that you’re not alone!

Email; beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

Twitter; @ beautyibehold1

Instagram; @beautyibeholderblog

Tumblr; @beautyibeholderblog

Living In The Moment.. Or Something Like That.

Often times we are told “live in the moment” or “Don’t dwell on the past”, but doing those to things are definitely easier said than done, am I right?

As someone with anxiety and paranoia those two things don’t come easy to me. You know we’re told these things as if it’s supposed to just happen. We’re just going to wake up one day and ta-da cured I can now live in the moment, but that’s not the case. You have to almost “forget” the past, stay in the present, and not look toward the future to “live in the moment”. I’d love to be that person who is always taking things day by day without a care in the world but that’s just not me. Do you ever feel that? Like it’s just not you?

If you do how about we start something new called “live in every moment”. Look forward to the future, but not too far that it stresses you out! Remember the past, but not dwell in it to the point you’ve suddenly become depressed, and be thankful for the present. Be thankful YOU have a past, present, and future. Life is unexpected so don’t take for granted all the memories you’ve had and will have! Cherish them, love them, and hold them dear to your heart!

We all make mistakes, it’s part of being human so don’t hold on to them in a way that will make you have self hate, hold on to them in a way of learning from them and building off them. Your past doesn’t have to be something you dread or can’t bare to think about, let it be something where you say “I know I made mistakes now how can I avoid those mistakes from here on out”. Don’t look at the present as stress filled situations, look at them as “I have the job”, “I got the car”, and so on and so forth. Look at the future as a silver lining, that is all the time you have to make something of yourself and do what your heart desires!

As Miley or hannah once sang “Life’s what you make it so let’s make it rock”

Bad quote I know but hey it gets the point across!

Achieve your dreams and LIVE IN EVERY MOMENT!

and as always You are not alone!

Email; beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com (my email is for; questions, advice, comments, concerns, etc. please don’t be afraid to reach out to me I AM NOT a licensed therapist but I am a human being willing to help those who need it!)

Being An Empath, What Does That Mean?

Since I was little I was always very “emotional” my family and everyone around me could agree it was a lot to deal with. Up until I was 16 I thought for sure that I was bipolar because I would have mood swings left and right. Little did I know they weren’t my emotions, they were the emotions of the people (and spirits) around me.

What is an Emapth?

An empath is really someone who can feel and absorb other peoples’ emotions. Not only is it someone who can do that but it is someone who is very in-tuned with the world I would say!

What are the signs, am I an Empath?

Most people are, the level of how much of an empath you are depends on how in tune with yourself you are in my opinion. You have people who can recognize facial expression and be like “oh he’s sad” or “oh he’s mad”. That’s still being an “emapth” but for people like me, I don’t like loud sounds, or bright flashes of light. I don’t like being in large crowds of people not because of my social anxiety per say but because I am feeling what each and every person in that crowd is feeling at all times. I can feel what animals are feeling, even what the “earth” is feeling.

How did you realize you were an empath?

I realized I was an empath when one of my friends sat me down and explained what that means to be one, and from there on out it all started making sense. I am essentially a light worker in the spirit realm.

 

PSA; I am not fully educated on this topic, I have not furthered researched what exactly this means for me. Due to the fact I do not know if I would like to quite yet. So please don’t take my words as the only thing you read about being an emapth this is just how I look at it and I do recommend you read further on it to have a better understanding.

You’re not alone

Email;beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

 

Motivated and Awake

Today is the first day in awhile that I’ve felt awake and motivated. I did not get up on time but that is fine I am proud of myself for just feeling something other than depressed and staying in bed.

On that note be proud of yourself to. Did you get out of bed today? Awesome!! Did you stay in bed and take a mental health day? Awesome!!! Just be proud of yourself for even trying. Be proud of yourself for staying strong on the toughest days. Be proud of yourself FOR BEING YOU. Life is not easy no one ever said it was, and if they did they were lying. You have to be your own motivation in life don’t rely on anyone to be that for you.

I want you to ask yourself, “what are 5 things I did today that I am proud of?” and I’ll do the same.

1. I got out of bed.
2. I made this post
3. I cleaned up a little around the house
4. I went outside
5. I am me

That’s it 5 things, it might seem hard at first but its not. You got this.

If you have not already follow my Instagram for more posts and inspiration @beautyibeholderblog

As always you are not alone!

Email: beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

Things You Should Know About Someone With Depression and Anxiety.. My Perspective.

As someone who is actively dealing with these two things on a daily basis I thought I should do one of these, I see them go around on Facebook and Instagram a lot and thought why not.  So let’s jump right into it.

anx·i·e·ty

/aNGˈzīədē/

noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

“he felt a surge of anxiety”

This is probably the worst of the two for my case.

Things I do because of my anxiety:

• I won’t go in your house and ask for food, or a drink for that matter. Not until I’ve been there a few times.
• I won’t eat if i feel uncomfortable in my surroundings.
• I hate confrontation.
• I hate being put in the spotlight.
• I won’t use public restrooms, or any restroom but my own till I am comfortable.
• I hate making phone calls. (I have gotten better with this though.)
• I carry around a plastic bag in my purse if I am around new people because I am afraid of throwing up and having no place to do that.

Those are just a few if i wanted this to be a mile long I would say some more. I do want to mention along with those things I have serious panic attacks to the point my heart rate reaches 140 bmp.

de·pres·sion

/dəˈpreSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

   “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

Things that happen because of my depression:

•  I will sleep 14+ hours
• I won’t leave my bed
• I distance myself
• I have a hard time remembering things, that could be both anxiety and my depression
• I get angry easily
• I constantly feel exhausted

How to help someone with these things (in my opinion)

• Ask what to do to help
• Help control breathing during a panic attack
• Don’t escalate the situation by being mean or loud.
• Talk the person through it
• Ask what they are depressed about if they know.
• help take their mind off what’s bothering them.

These things are a very serious issue.  However they can be coped with you just have to find what suits you. I am still figuring out what helps me and what doesn’t.

Just remember you’re not alone and there are millions of people out there with similar issues, ask for help.. My email is always open for advice and help, however I am not a therapist and if that’s the help you think you may need please seek for that first!

Email: beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

Awake and Inspired.. Kinda

I have hit a rough patch, I am going through quite a bit and you know, that’s okay. Life isn’t always happy and rainbows there has to be a rain for a rainbow to appear.

If you’re feeling like I am and you just feel weak and can’t find anything to fight for, fight for yourself. You are stronger than you will ever imagine. You can get through whatever it is that is bringing you down. I know it sucks sometimes and I know that things don’t always go as planned but please just keep fighting. You are a warrior, you are beautiful, you are handsome, you are smart, you are not alone. 

We all hit rough patches in our lives and anyone who tells you they don’t is lying. We all get knocked down from time to time, and we all face challenges that seem harder at first glance. No matter what do what’s is best for you. It is okay to take advice and it is okay to listen to what people have to say but it is your life and ultimately you are the one who has to decide what is best for you. It is okay to cry, for both men and women.

No matter what religion you believe in you are not given any challenges that you can’t beat. Everything happens for a reason. Love yourself before you love others and smile. Take in every moment you have in life and just live.

Email; beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com (just incase you don’t know why this is here, its for response to my posts, questions, comments, suggestions, help anything. I am not a licensed therapist though!)

 

Quick Update

this is just a quick little update, I’ve made an Instagram to reach more people and help more people it is @beautyibeholderblog ❤️

This blog journey has had its ups and downs and I’ve thought about giving up but as I always say, if one person reads these and gets inspired that’s enough for me.

keep me informed with what you guys wanna read from me I’d love to hear 💗

Email; beautyibeholderblog@gmail.com

Small q&a

After last post I haven’t really had an idea of what to do. It took a lot for that post and I’ve talked to a lot of amazing people and I just don’t know if I want to do a part 2 or continue on with the usual posts but for now while I’m awake unable to sleep I’d figure I’d answer these questions that I’ve been procrastinating.

How do you deal with your anxiety and depression?

Well, I don’t. That’s my problem I have in the past with music. I did try therapy. And things along those lines. I would like to try meditation and reading more books. My mom recommend I read some self help books! So yeah, I don’t and I don’t recommend you take my course of action! But maybe try the things I’d like to try. ❤️

How did you get through it all?

Well, I mean I’m still battling some of it but as far as bullying I forgave but didn’t forget. It doesn’t hurt them at all if you hang on to the pain they gave you. It gives them power over you and that’s helping them. It’s very hard to let go but at some point it does help you. I recently started confronting people I’ve had issues with and said hey I just want to let this go and it’s gone good so far.

How has bullying effected who you are today?

In some sense I believe it’s made me stronger and more aware of the people around me. But in another sense it has made me very cautious of who I talk to and who I let into my life. It has also made me question a lot of people all the time I often feel like my closest people will leave me or hurt me but all in all it has just made me more aware of how some people are.

Where are the bullies now and what are they doing in life?

This is a good question. Just the other day I came across one of the girls who bullied me and it almost seemed like she avoided serving my table or looking at me. But I don’t know that for sure. I’d say most of them are still in the high school mind set. Partying and doing things I just don’t find good for a persons life. Especially at a young age. Some of them have gotten in contact with me or I evened helped them while they were being bullied recently. I know some of them still talk about me and I just don’t care to find out what they’re talking about. 😊

I hope I answered all your questions good and I hope you enjoy this post. I’ve been in a depressed funk for a few weeks now and I’m just sleeping. (Don’t take after me in that aspect please.)

As always you’re not alone!

Email: Kyleexnoelle@icloud.com (I leave my email for anyone who needs someone. Or has questions for me or even thoughts!)

Our Stories, the Truth Behind Schools and Home

I just wanted to start off by saying everyone who shared their stories, I love and appreciate you so much and you are so brave. Those who couldn’t share their stories yet you are brave too, and we are here to be the voice!

I’m going to share everyone’s stories first then ill share mine. In reading these if you get triggered please be careful. There is a lot of sensitive topics, read these with kind hearts and open arms. All stories are anonymous unless asked otherwise. Any hate will be blocked. Thank you and lets hear from the brave ladies and gents!

STORY ONE:

“I’ve had 3+ “hate” Instagram accounts made about me, and the school is very ‘cliquey’ and the school in general only pays attention and cares about the ‘popular’ people.”

STORY TWO: (8th grade.)

“Well I never really got bullied when I went to New Oxford but I definitely got bullied at Hanover in 8th grade when I cut my hair into a Mohawk for my birthday. It was right around the time Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus came out. I’d go to school and the kids would always say ‘where’s your wrecking ball Miley’ and ask about my sledgehammer and what not. Not only was I called Miley Cyrus because of it, but others called me a lesbian and a dyke. I’ll never forget this kid who started it. We’ll call him M. So anyway. Eventually I got so tired of it that one day in my music class we were talking about problems all over the world. I talked about bullying. I also mentioned everything I’ve been through with my parents and that getting bullied only made my situation worse. Me telling my story made my bully feel so bad about himself that he cried and never bullied me again. Whenever I see pictures of myself from that time I’m always disgusted because that’s how everyone around me made me feel. I was ashamed of what I did to myself because I was told that change is a good thing but I guess to some of these people, it’s just and open opportunity to put others down.”

STORY THREE: (Haley, 13, 7th grade)

“Back in the 7th grade I can remember this like it was yesterday, I was 13, I was minding my business in class, I looked over at my friends and started talking to them, I had one kid at my table threaten to find out where I live and come and shoot me. I came home that day crying because I was scared. The next day my mom went into the school and talked to the old principal and they did nothing to the guy who said this to me. Instead it inspired other kids to start picking on me as well. I finally had enough and ended up going home-schooled for the rest of my 7th grade year.”

STORY FOUR: (7th-8th grade)

“My whole middle school experience was hell. (7-8th grade) I got bullied through middle school. From the Beginning until I left. It was nonstop. Every. Single. Day. All day. I cried every day. For 2 years. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I wanted to kill myself. A couple different people bullied me. So, here is my story. 7th grade. It was mainly guys. They called me names, ugly, fat, bitch, nerd etc. mind you I was only 110lbs. I was never allowed in any groups and I stuck with the only 2 friends I had. Nobody liked me. Everyone told me I was stupid and lame and I’d never be anything. 8th grade got 10 times worse. I was harassed. I was always being texted and called by a couple people. My family was even being harassed. I got called names, my family got picked on, even my BABY sister. I got pushed up against walls, I got tripped, pushed down a couple stairs, punched in the head, told I was going to get beat the shit out of etc. physical, and mental abuse. It was pure hell. I was to the point I wanted to kill myself. I self harmed and family found out. I cried every single day. EVERY DAY. My mom went to the superintendent AND the transportation lady but nobody did a thing. No one. My mom threatened to go to the police and the news and the principal swore the problem would get fixed. Instead? He blamed it all on me. He told me he couldn’t do anything and it was my fault. The bullies got away with everything they have done to me. lost all friends, even the only 2 I had. I was alone. I felt empty and sad. I couldn’t take it anymore. After I left new oxford I became a whole new person. New hair, new style, new personality, I have a family. I couldn’t be in a better place right now. I’m happy with life and the people I have in it. Thanks to new oxford and all the kids that put me down, bullied me and made me feel terrible. You guys made me a better and stronger me, 4 years later.”

STORY 5: (9th grade)

“The only time I can remember actually being bullied is back in 9th grade when I started liking 5 Seconds of Summer. As dumb as it sounds, I got bullied for suddenly liking that band and someone threatened to beat me up over it.”

STORY 6: (8th grade)

“When I was in 8th grade I had this group of friends that really wasn’t the best, but they were the kind of girls that you stuck with bc you knew no one would mess with you if you were a part of their group. The leader of this group was kind of a backhanded friend. She’d kick ass if someone messed with you but she would do you dirty herself. I was really shy and had trouble making friend and she knew this so i was easy prey for her ig. One of my insecurities was my weight and I remember whenever she would feel threatened by me she would say shit. I gained 5 pounds and she told everyone i was pregnant. Fighting that rumor was hard, but once everyone realized I was a virgin there were bets being placed on when and to who Id lose my virginity to. Im talking actual bets. real money. it was hell honestly. I was at a really low point. I just felt like I wasn’t good enough no matter what I did. Its a part of the reason I had struggled with self harm and eating disorders for a good five years of my life.”

STORY 7: (9th grade)

“I had girls follow me threw the hall ways at school an call me a bunch of names an try to corner me in the bathroom Everyday an teachers an principles didn’t do anything about it. Which sucked cuz i stopped going to school an lost so many credits over it. I Was only a freshman.. This all happened because i was a teen an had a baby to the girls boyfriend at the time. Also the girl who was dating the guy at tht time tripped me in the hall way an i fell face first nothing happened but them telling her not to do it again.”

STORY 8: (9th grade, 14)

“In ninth grade, i got bullied about being raped. I was only 14 and this girl in my school found out about it. She called me a whore, slut, etc. because two guys decided to ruin my life. I went to my principle about it six times and my mom went in about seven and nothing was done. She always harassed me, pushed me, yelled in my face, called me names, knocked my books out of my hands, and knocked me down from pulling my book bag back. She always had something to do to me or something to say to me. Her words cut deep but now i am cyber schooled and around nothing but positivity.” 

STORY 9: (10th grade)

“My bullying story actually has to do with a teacher. I was in Sophomore year of high school and had a girlfriend at the time. We (just like every other couple at my high school) would hold hands in the hallway as we walked between classes. On our way to fourth period. EVERY DAY. I would get stopped by a male teacher who would tell us to stop while completely disregarding anyone else. Even couples who were displaying MAJOR PDA in the corners of the hallway. One day he followed us and waited for her to go into class and he cornered me and yelled in my face telling me “nobody wants to see that” and that I was “disgusting and he would make sure the principle had an issue with me if he saw it again” I had never felt so ashamed of just being happy and who I was. It was very clear to me that this was only happening because I was in a gay relationship. It made me scared to the point that I would walk the long way to class and avoid that teacher at all costs. He would harass me any time he could.”

STORY 10: (7th grade, 13)

“I was called a whore a slut etc. I was told that I was disgusting and smelled when I showered every day and night. That I was fat so that made me turn to starving myself for years to the point that I FINALLY just got over it a year an half ago. I remember one time it was math class and first period. I was wearing my brand new skinny jeans that I absolutely loved. I thought I looked so good! I was so confident. But this one girl looked at me an announced to the class “I see London I see France I see __ pink underpants” so I pulled my shirt down an when I asked to use the restroom an she ripped my pants down so much so that half my ass was showing.”

STORY 11: (8th grade, 13 or 14)

“well, i came out as bisexual in middle school. the situation happened in the 8th grade, so i guess i was only 13 to 14 years old? i was walking down the hallway in school and two girls were walking in front of me. one of them looked back at me and got the attention of the other girl; then they both started laughing. one of them was yelling about how they needed to run so i didn’t catch up to them and give them “the gay”.

i know this sounds so ridiculous, but this is 100 percent a true story.”

STORY 12:

“I was in high school, everyone had a group chat and I was apart of it. One day I woke up and I looked at it and everyone was saying I was fat and ugly and pathetic and a whore and I went to everyone possible about it and no one helped. I was bullied at every school I went too.”

STORY 13:

“Basically long story short. I went through a ton of shit I should’ve never had to deal with. Between him taking his anger out on me, saying to my face he wished I wasn’t born, that he loves my sister far more than he does me, that I’m a disgrace to the family name, mentally and physically abused me an made me think I wouldn’t amount to anything, that I’d end up in a foundry for the rest of my life just like him an his dad, and basically beat into my head that I’m not lovable. That I’ll never find anybody who will tolerate me enough to marry me, to bare children with me, nothing. Even today, he says he doesn’t expect grand kids from me, only from my sister, an the fact that I’ve been single for years, an my sister has had a boyfriend over a year now, just proves him right. That I’m just garbage on the bottom of his shoe an always will be. He’s the reason I have such severe social anxiety, he’s why I have such severe depression, a drinking problem, an addiction to cigarettes. Have become so antisocial I’m almost a hermit at this point, an the number 1 reason I don’t really try telling any girl I like them or anything. I just don’t bother. Because of him an past experiences with relationships I just don’t wanna try an risk it anymore. Because I got that feeling I’ll just be fucked over, an that any situation I’m in will always end badly.”

STORY 14: (8 years old) 

“So I was about eight and I’m female. I was playing with a group of older girls who were like 10 and 13 and two guys they’d hang out with who were like 13 and 14. They never wanted me to play with them cause they said I talked funny, at the time I had a lisp. This made me really sad cause I had no friends. So one day I asked nicely again if I could play and they said okay. They said we were going to play hide and seek so but blindfolded so I said okay. They put a blind fold on me and duck taped my hands behind my back and walked me to this marsh that was way behind my house. They stood there laughing at me and making fun of me and then those boys threw a basket ball at my head really hard and I fell over in the marsh and they left me there. I was there for like an hour scared, wet, and cold and I eventually was able to wiggle my blind fold off and I had to walk home like that balling my eyes out. I got a shower and I had red marks on my wrist and a cut on my head from them hitting me with the basketball”

STORY 15: (Courtney Ledgard, 18, 12th grade)

“I was a senior in high school and 18 years old. I was single for a long time and I felt incredibly lonely. This good looking guy that went to my high school started commenting on all my posts about how hot and good looking I was or how much he wanted to date me. He spent 2 whole weeks texting me and commenting all this stuff. I tried opening up to him and it turns out him and his girlfriend made up this entire thing as a prank on me.. Him and his girlfriend pretended that he was actually interested in me when I actually thought about having real feelings for him, but I was one big joke to their whole friend group at school and I didn’t want to go to school for a long time after that because I was scared nobody was my real friend and no guy actually liked me.”

STORY 16: (2nd or 3rd grade)

“Basically I was in elementary in 2nd or 3rd grade I am sure. I had a friend named A she was so fun to be around and stuff then one day B was introduced into our group and for awhile everything was okay then after awhile B started leaving me behind and we ended up having scheduled days where one person would play with A and the other wouldn’t, eventually I started noticing I never got a day. One day I was with A when I finally got the chance and B said I wasn’t aloud to play with them anymore and I ended up crying and sitting in the middle of the play group wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be their friend. B came up and apologized , but the next day the same thing happened after that day I didn’t trust people anymore I started to play alone and just ignored the idea of making new friends. Ever since that day I ended up never being friends with girls for awhile. I only had guy friends because they accepted me for who I was. It took me a bit but eventually I made more female friends but, since that day I still feel incapable of trusting another person fully or even loving myself because of how alienated I felt…”

STORY 17: (my story)

I’ve thought about this for hours and how I wanted to go about telling my story because I’ve told it before on here but not everything. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning and go up, I was bullied in school, it got worse as the grade levels progressed. 6th grade a rumor started that I was pregnant for wearing a lose shirt (never wore that shirt again.), somewhere after that I started getting bullied for having dirty blonde hair. 7th grade i can’t remember much of honestly bad memory. 8th grade I believe is when I switched schools at the end of the year somewhere in there a fake Instagram was made about me and my personal issues that at the time I only told my close friends or so I thought. then I went back to my previous school for 9th grade. 9th grade was actual hell. I got bullied by many people but one girl bullied me the whole year and continued too even after I left public schools. In this year I admitted to an adult that I self harm and I wanted help that adult was my way out and getting better, so I thought. Me and my group of friends got bullied for the color of our hair we were “blonde bitches” and called almost every name in the book. Getting told to “go ahead and kill myself” became a daily thing. The self harm did continue, so I left and went to cyber schooling.. my boyfriend at the time was helping till I moved then he became a bully too telling me things like “You do everything for attention” and “you’re exaggerating” and “your feelings don’t matter” that was hard on me at the time. I then became close with a pathological liar, and was bullied very badly by him. He told me I deserved everything that happened to me (I told him some very personal things that I’m not ready to share with the world..) and pretty much that I lied about everything too. I was also fighting with another friend of mine at the time and she told me that no one wants to hangout with me because I “stink” and that I deserve to die. I’m sure there’s more to these stories that I forgot to add but this isn’t about me this about the brave people above.

To end this I’d like to go by saying, bullying is no joke, and as I was getting stories told to me I slowly realized bullying follows people home and there’s bullying at home where people are supposed to feel safe. These stories are all so real and filled with pain and also gain. My hope for this is to bring a big awareness to bullying and the severity of it. To give a voice to those who feel they can’t have one. People have killed themselves over “mean kids at school”. They aren’t just mean kids at school it’s not that this generation is weak, it is the fact that kids are so hateful nowadays.
This started as a I wonder how many people went through things I did and ended in people coming together and sharing things and giving support. And if you’re a bully, your words do hurt and it’s not okay, whatever you are going through that makes you feel the need to hurt others please talk to someone anyone, a friend, a family member someone. Because it’s not okay.
I’d like to say thank you to all the men and women who helped me make this possible and being so brave! 

I will list the suicide hotline and my email for anybody who wants or needs help, I am not a therapist I do recommend one!

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Email: kyleexnoelle@icloud.com